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Engineer
Jokes
Engineer in Hell
An engineer dies and reports to
the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer
-- you're in the wrong place." So, the engineer reports to the gates of hell and
is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort
in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've
got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a
pretty popular guy. One day, God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a
sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?" Satan replies, "Hey, things are
going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and
there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next." God
replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake -- he should never
have gotten down there; send him up here." Satan says, "No way." I like having
an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him." God says, "Send him back up here
or I'll sue!" Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just
where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"
Practicality
A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly
slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have
been waiting for 15 minutes!" The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've
never seen such ineptitude! The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greens keeper.
Let's have a word with him." "Hi George. Say, what's with that group ahead of
us? They're rather slow, aren't they?" The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes,
that's a group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse
from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime." The group
was silent for a moment. The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a
special prayer for them tonight." The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to
contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for
them." The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"
Expertise
There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things
mechanical. After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he happily
retired. Several years later the company contacted him regarding a seemingly
impossible problem they were having with one of their multimillion dollar
machines. They had tried everything and everyone else to get the machine to work
but to no avail. In desperation, they called on the retired engineer who had
solved so many of their problems in the past. The engineer reluctantly took the
challenge. He spent a day studying the huge machine. At the end of the day, he
marked a small "x" in chalk on a particular component of the machine and stated,
"This is where your problem is". The part was replaced and the machine worked
perfectly again. The company received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for
his service. They demanded an itemized accounting of his charges. The engineer
responded briefly:
One chalk mark $1
Knowing where to put it $49,999
It was paid in full and the engineer retired again in peace.
Fix it
Normal people .... believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.
Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.
Q. How many electrical
engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
A. None. They simply redefine darkness as the industry standard.
Q. How many mechanical
engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Five. One to decide which way the bulb ought to turn, one to calculate
the force required, one to design a tool with which to turn the bulb, one to
design a comfortable - but functional - hand grip, and one to use all this
equipment.
Hot Air Balloon
A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height
and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts, "Excuse
me, can you tell me where I am?"
The man below said, "Yes, you're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above
this field."
"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.
"I am," replied the man. "How did you know?"
"Well," said the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically
correct, but it's of absolutely no use to anyone."
The man below said, "You must be in management."
"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are, or where you're going, but
you expect me to be able to help. You're in the same position you were before we
met, but now it's my fault."
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